In Catholic grade school the nuns made us look up words we didn’t know, something about makin’ us smarter. If agoraphobia has you buffaloed, grab a dictionary.
In an old nursery rhyme, Henny-Penny clucked “The sky is falling, I must tell the king.” Nowadays it’s Chicken Little squawking “OMG the flu’s a comin’, I must get to the stores and help clear the shelves.”
“You know we’re living in a society. We’re supposed to act in a civilized way.” (George Costanza.)
If you’ve been in any stores lately you can’t help but notice how bare the shelves are. Except for a primal fear of the unknown, what causes rational people to become a neurotic horde of hoarding hoarders?
Why do they need every can of tomato soup or tuna fish? Why do they need the last box of Lucky Charms when they don’t even eat cereal? To understand why, you need to ask Dr. Phil.
If I had the foresight of Randolph and Mortimer Duke from the movie “Trading Places,” I’d have cornered the futures market on toilet paper. I would have cleaned up in more ways than one.
Running short of the ol’ Charmin ? Well take solace in the fact that like everyone else, your closet is probably full of old clothes you don’t wear. So grab a pair of scissors and start cutting. Don’t be a hipster doofus though and try to flush the shirt Aunt Bessie gave you.
Can’t stand to dispose of clothes you wore in high school and just gotta’ use toilet paper? Visit my website CAN U SPARE A SQUARE PLEASE. I will be auctioning rolls of Scott’s 2 ply, the good stuff. They don’t call it the John Wayne of toilet paper for nothin’. Minimum bids $50 a roll. As the great huckster P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
Have you suddenly turned into a germophobe? If yes, help is but a phone call away. Contact David Puddy at 1-800-BAD-CRUD. He is the founder of Germophobics Anonymous, a 12-step program for those afflicted with the abnormal fear associated with microorganisms that can’t be seen, but you know they are there.
Back in the early 1900s, Typhoid Mary (who was a food server by the way) was the scourge of New York. These days, thanks to our boy in Annapolis, good ol’ Leap Before You Look Larry, a candlelit dinner consists of lighting a match as you go pick up your drive-thru order. Could Corona Charlie be back there flippin’ them burgers ?
Over the years we’ve survived Biblical plagues, the Black Death, numerous pandemics, Ebola and Y2K. Ya’ really think the Chicken Little flu bug will be our demise ?
Well, bon voyage … and I mean that literally. A cruise line has a great deal for vacationers. When you buy one ticket you get eight free, that way you and your friends can circumvent the ban on gatherings of 10 or more.
I would like to invite Leapin’ Larry and other bombastic blowhards as well as all talking heads who are fanning the flames of mass hysteria and paranoia to come along, my treat. I figure the sooner you guys aren’t heard from the better off we’ll all be. Oh yeah, the cruise is on a slow boat to China.
By the way, the sun is supposed to explode next Thursday, so everybody better run out and get those sweet gherkins before they’re all gone.